The Philosopher’s Corner at Richton Perk coffee house was celebrating the advent of the first Belgian Waffles on the menu this early April weekend and several people turned up hoping to get the first one served. Two first footers had the honor. The regulars came too late.

In one of the ensuing conversations to solve all the current problems of the world there was a general consensus that if the country was run by hairdressers, barbers, taxi drivers and the writers of bumper stickers, instead of the corrupt, corporate sponsored, millionaire, bone heads in the current Senate and Congress, the country would be in much better shape. Those four groups always seem to have all the answers, based on street smarts not on the spin games of politicians and lawyers.

I have always been a collector of clever bumper stickers. To say something significant in such a short space is evidence of insight and skill. It’s almost like haiku in word economy. That was in my mind when later on in the day I read some discussions about standard psychological tests of character and various traits of personality. The light bulb went off and I thought that a good idea of someone’s character and belief systems might be obtained by simply giving them a list of a couple of hundred bumper stickers and seeing which ones appealed to them most. If they could read, that is.

I have my own lists of hundreds of bumper stickers picked up over the decades and thought I would take the newly invented Buchanan Bumper Sticker Personality Inventory Test myself using my lists. Here then are a few of the Bumper Stickers that I really appreciate. From these you will have little trouble choosing others that would appeal to me if you see them on the car in front of you. That’s the second part of the test, being able to choose those that someone else would like. If you can do that it’s clear that you have understood the person well.

Expressing my own somewhat pro pagan bias:

(1)WITCHES PARKING, all others will be toad.
(2) Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
(3) I’m for the separation of Church and Hate.
(4) My Karma just ran over your Dogma
(5) Religions are just cults with more members.
(6) Do born again Christians have two belly buttons?
(7) Who would Jesus bomb?
(8) The less you know the more you believe
(9) I think, therefore I’m dangerous.
(10) If going to Church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?
(11) Keep your theology out of my biology.
(12) Keep your rosaries out of my ovaries.

I have dozens more, but those twelve will probably make my general attitude clear.

Having lived through several wars and realizing that wars solve nothing and merely serve as methods of enriching certain elite groups who organize them but are untouched by any of the dangers:

(1) No Justice, no peace. Know Justice, know peace.
(2) We are creating enemies faster than we can kill them.
(3) Join the Army: travel to exotic, distant lands; meet exciting, unusual people and kill them.
(4) Peace begins when the hungry are fed.
(5) War is terrorism with a bigger budget.
(6) No flag is large enough to cover the shame of killing innocent people.
(7) An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
(8) It will be a great day when our schools get all the money they need and the air force has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber.
(9) I’m already against the next war.
(10) We need a Department of Peace.

And of course this is just a sample. #6 is a quote from Howard Zinn and #7 from Gandhi.

Then there’s the environment, currently being destroyed by many of the same greed heads.

(1) Only when the last tree has died and the last river has been poisoned and the last fish has been caught will they realize that they can’t eat money.
(2) Urban Sprawl: Cut down the trees and name the streets after them.
(3) Keep your butt in the car. The Earth is not your ashtray.
(4) Support Organic Farmers.
(5) Plants and Animals disappear to make room for your fat arse.
(6) At least the war on the environment is going well.
(7) One generation plants the tree. The next generation gets the shade.
(8) Vote for your grandchildren
(9) The Earth provides for everyone’s need, but not for everyone’s greed.
(10) If people insist on living as if there’s no tomorrow there really won’t be one.

Here #1 is a native American saying about the white man. #5 is from a British bumper and has the British spelling for backside. Ass is a donkey in British English. Arse is what is beaten as a ‘training the young system’. #10 is a quote by Kurt Vonnegut, I think. If I’m wrong please let me know. Whoever said it, it’s obviously true.

Then there are smart observations that don’t seem to come into any category except Life goes on:

(1) People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it’s easier to harass rich women than motor cycle gangs.
(2) Kill your television!
(3) Change is inevitable. Growth is optional.
(4) Buckle Up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car.
(5) Don’t assume I share your prejudices.
(6) Hatred is not a family value.
(7) If we don’t change direction we’ll end up where we’re going.
(8) Liberals treat dogs like people while conservatives treat people like dogs.
(9) Mean people breed little mean people
(10)If you are well adjusted to this society you are sick, sick, sick.
(11) Condoms are easier to change than diapers.
(12) Healthcare for people, not for profit.

That category is endless. Let’s finally look at the state of society and politics for other mini-wisdoms.

(1) When fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in a flag and carrying a cross.
(2) If you’re not outraged you’re not paying attention.
(3) You measure democracy by the freedom it gives its dissidents, not its conformists.
(4) Dissent gave birth to this nation.
(5) People should not fear their government. Governments should fear their people.
(6) Make the lie big. Make it simple. Keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it.
(7) Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.
(8) A patriot must be ready to defend his country against his government.
(9) The price of apathy is to be ruled by evil men.
(10)America has the best Wealthcare system.
(11)A nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous.
(12) The needs of the many outweigh the greed of the few.

#3 is a quote from Abbie Hoffman. #5 was said by V.#6 was said by Adolf Hitler.#7 was said by Edward Abbey. #9 was said by Plato. #11 by Barack Obama.

And here is one that summarizes most of the others. ‘To be truly radical is to make hope possible rather than despair convincing.’

‘Dyslexics of the world untie!’ ‘My goddess gave birth to your god’ but anyway…

Have a Hoppy Easter! And watch those bumper stickers while gasoline lasts out.